It feels like Home

Fire, water and fresh air

It reminds me of when mom was here

It reminds me of childhood

playing without a care

dancing naked in the rain

walking, screaming, talking, growing

fire, water, air and sand,

I remember dirt being stuck in my hand

I remember love and freedom and temper tantrums

see, it’s being with you,

it feels like home,

genuine, kind and true

honest, innocent and fair,

it feels like home laying here with you.

 

I remember my childhood routine

it’s up in the morning, off to school and back again

it’s playing in the afternoon with imaginary friends

it’s running into the house

before long when it turns dark

for fear of monsters, the shadows that seemed to walk about

I remember the smell of dinner

the heat of the lantern

I remember holding mom’s hand while I fell asleep

because I was scared to sleep alone you see

so having you here with me,

it feels like home.

 

Home is not a building with walls

it’s not a place that’s warm

it’s memories and people and love

it’s waking up in the morning with a glow

Home is a place in a person’s heart

I remember being home

the warm fuzzy feeling of joyful conversation

late night singing along to “Kumbaya”

sitting around the dinner table

sharing a drink from the same cup

Not because we lack, but because we love

it’s the sound of dad’s radio in the morning

Home is consistent, familiar and warming

it feels like home you see,

waking up, off to work and coming back

knowing that there’s someone there

who actually wants me back

it feels like home you see, being with you

it feels like home, it’s kind and true

 

Home is the picture of old age

two oldies on a balcony

living out the rest of their days

Home is having grandkids swimming around in the pool

home is the smell of breakfast and the thought of you

home is what we all hope to find

we search in the church, we search within our families,

we even search behind our curtain blinds

home is comfort in our saddest time

home is everything and anything that adds meaning to life.

It feels like home you see, being here with you.

Talking about my dreams and pains

sharing my worries and cares

it feels like home.

 

so I’m sorry I broke off what we had

I’m sorry I am hard to love

I’m sorry I shoved you off

I’m sorry I treated you with disregard

I’m sorry I lost my trust in you

I’m sorry for you and for myself

It’s my fault, I screwed up

It’s sad because now, I’m homeless

In a street full of strangers, I feel alone

I have no one to call home

I look at your face and I feel contempt

what used to be love is now regret

regret and pain and suddenly darkness

emptiness and sorrow

my heart feels bleak

my soul is amiss

I’m not at home in you anymore

And sadly, you have no home in me.

 

– Rukky Kofi

Dedicated to a lost friend.

Depression

I know I said I wouldn’t write much this year….but I can’t commit to that. I have to write. I need to write. It’s the greatest escape I know and that’s what I’ve been doing lately, escaping because reality and life in general are being too depressing for no clear reason.

I’ve been sad lately. Really sad and I’m not so sure why.

In the midst of people and merriment and cheers, I’m just sad and tired and with each thudding beat of my heart, God knows all I want to do is drop and die…..I am that sad.

I started this year with a lot of enthusiasm. I miss home too because being at home means being in a place where I can gather myself and get stuff done. I achieved more in December alone than I was able to achieve for the better part of alpha semester.

This piece is a rambling of sorts, I didn’t plan to write it so bear with me because it’s disorderly and my thoughts are not properly organized.

I’m tired…..I feel defeated….and typing these words, I now feel pathetic because this goes against everything I believe and it’s very unlike the optimistic me to dare to type such.

However, that is how it is. So I’m escaping….watching Friends and sleeping like a fool, when I know I have stuff I should get back on and do.

Not sure why I wrote this, I just had to say something I guess…..I don’t know.

Is it Covenant University’s fault? I don’t know…..i don’t like blaming my moods on my environment because i think I could be in Rome now, and I’d still feel the same way perhaps…..but I highly doubt it. I’m really tired of school. I want to go far away from everything here but, I want to get some stuff done first and I have to get my mood in order to do that so….what am I doing now?

because I could ramble and talk on and on and talk in circles about how sad I am and how much I need to do but, the issue now is what am I doing, what step am I taking now to remedy the situation?

Well, for this week, I’m finishing my writeup….I’m done with implementing my project so, I need to finish up the writeup, have it corrected and the next step for me to take is to study for my C.As. I’ll write another piece on Saturday. At least I should feel better and more empowered by then after I’m done with achieving these small goals.

And P.S, Covenant University is a very depressing place to be…..where the dogmatism that is most people’s lives is exemplified and they see no issue with this. Creating an environment where things almost work, but not quite…..where it will take them over 8 years to fix the damn WiFi…..because they’ve been fixing it since I was in my first year and 4 years now…..they haven’t gotten it yet. And I don’t think I fit in with the culture that is most of CU. I feel like a misfit in here and I honestly can’t wait to leave.

I don’t think I fit in here because me and this environment as well as 95% of the people in it, don’t think the same…..and our difference in perspectives offer us a radically different experience of reality. And I refuse to be a conformist at least in the level of my thinking. Perhaps that’s why I’m sad….perhaps I miss home and I just hate being here and I honestly don’t like most of the people. Perhaps I just want to lock myself up in my room and know that I’m completely alone because that’s much better than having so many people around me and still feeling that way. Since I resumed school this semester, my energy level has literally dropped.

And I’m not one to complain. If you’ve read Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and you should read it btw, then you know there are two types of people….those who bring their own weather, and those who don’t get things done because the environment isn’t right. I’m not one to complain and I generally bring my own weather because I know that CU or no CU, the only thing that stands in the way of me getting what I want is myself.

In December I had a routine. I got to sleep by 12:00AM, woke up by 4:00AM, prepared the meals, bathed and got set for the day by 6:30AM….resumed at my work desk at 7:00AM and I worked till 12:00AM. Life was really that simple and each day didn’t go perfectly as planned but for the most part, I got stuff done, I achieved my goals and I was happy. And then there was my family right there where I was…..so I was happier.

I haven’t yet established a routine for my life in CU and I know that that’s perhaps the real cause of my unhappiness. I’ve been waiting for the time to be right before I establish that routine and get on with my life but I notice that, the time will never be right so I might as well just get on and get it done. A routine is a good framework for me…..it allows me make progress in small increments consistently, every single day. These small increments pile up. Routine is consistency and you never succeed at something without being consistent.

So you see that there’s so many things that could be responsible for me being depressed and sad right now but, and I almost forgot to mention, I haven’t prayed in three weeks. Like really sat down and prayed….that’s one more probable cause.

I don’t know what’s making me sad. All I know is that I am. And it drains my energy and makes me not achieve my goals which makes me sadder which makes me withdraw from people because I’m horrible to be around when I’m not achieving my goals which makes me even sadder because I truly enjoy being around people…..

I pray God helps me get over this.

I’ll write again soon.

 

2017

I think, this year is different.

I know I’m different.

As at this time in 2016, I was busy evaluating, writing, making resolutions and elaborate plans on how to achieve the goals I had set for myself. I had everything nailed and too many idealistic thoughts to understand how reality truly worked.

So I won’t do what I did last New Year’s day.

I can’t bring myself to write in my journal.

I haven’t bought a diary for this year. Something different because as at this time last year I already had a diary prepped to document all the eventful things that would take place in 2016 and trust me, not much of 2016 was eventful.

I can’t bring myself to talk too much or make resolutions or try to evaluate or over analyze things.

And honestly, I may not write another post on this blog for the rest of this year simply because I don’t have much to write about.

But come December 31st, 2017, I’m going to come online and I’m going to have hell of a lot to write about the awesome year I’ve had and how it happened.

Till then though, happy new year and I wish you a great year ahead.

First For You.

First Born Association of Nigeria….read this.

WORDS of A Young Mind

Everybody thinks its cool, being the first born, male or female. If you are from a royal home, that automatically makes you heir to the throne. You get more of the inheritance they think, or maybe yes we(first born association of Nigeria) actually do, maybe we get to be respected and treated as gods, maybe our words are held in high esteem, maybe we get to sit in the front sit of daddys car, or get to have the biggest piece of meat or largest plate of rice, maybe we get to keep late nights without being questioned, maybe we get to have our own chair in the palour like daddy does, maybe we get to be the first in everything, death inclusive.

However, not to debunk your thoughts or assumptions, but to show you that not all bright light is sunlight, sometimes it can be lantern, in this caseā€¦

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Growth

I started this blog sometime last year and I did so with one goal in mind: GET MORE CLIENTS!!!

After setting up the blog I added some reviews and articles to showcase the quality of my writing. That way, while pitching potential clients, I could direct them here to get a feel for my work.

A year and some months later, I’m here writing a post for this blog and I’m tired of the grind. The content mills, the heartless writing and more importantly, I’m tired of the misery.

In fact, I got tired months ago. I pulled down some of the articles that were on the blog originally and I started writing more poetry and talking more about things that I actually care about….whenever I did bother to write anything besides poems (for this blog that is).

I started out with freelancing by being very unprofessional, young and naive and you could say, I was in a hurry. Too much of a hurry to grow and that is never good for anyone.

But this post isn’t about writing. It’s not even about freelancing. It’s about me. It’s about growing, learning and striving to make all my dreams come true. It’s about me turning 18 in a couple of days – September 10th. This post is about how far I’ve come and where I’m going next.

So far, within the space of a year of trying my best to actually commit to something, I’ve learned a lot and here’s a summary of everything I’ve learned so far.

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